American Idol (guest post)

Remember when blogging used to be fun and we would talk about important
stuff like American Idol. You know before everything became about fighting
over nonsense.

Well my DVR got scrambled last night and it mixed up CPAC and American
Idol. Here are my impressions of both:

*Lovey* – Generic blond who is no great shakes. She is rememberable for
being forgettable. She is just an average voice and will soon be gone. Air
bushed news bunny. Think Monica Crowley before she got laid.

*Adanna* – One of these chicks with the hard luck story who is trying her
best but is really overmatched. She gave it her all and shouted her way
through the song. She did much better in the Detroit vibe this week than
she will do in a more sedate setting when talent counts. But she is safe
for this week. Think Ben Carson with tits covered in feathers.

*Alexis* – This chick is in the running for the phoniest of phony awards.
She is trying be both country and Latin and that doesn’t mix. Doesn’t she
realize that Mexicans are taking away jobs from Country Music people? She
is the Jeb Bush of this competition.

*Joey* – This the pretentious mook with the squeeze box and yellow teeth.
She really grates. She sang a Keith Urban song in the style of Betty Boop.
Think Jerry Brown with really bad teeth.

*Katherine* – She channeled Stevie Nicks and really sucked big time. The
Rick Santorum of this year’s American Idol.

*Shannon* – This is the kid they tried to sell as the next Janis Joplin.
She went soft and slow and it stunk out the joint. Will be gone this week.
Think a thin Chris Christie. Or the little girl that Chris Christie really
is in his heart.

*Loren* – This chick really sang great in the last round but stunk out the
joint on the big stage. She really struggled and her notices went to her
head and she thinks she can do whatever she wants and her fans will eat it
up. Think Sarah Palin with more melanin.

*Shi* – This chick was the worst performance of the night. She has a great
look and a great outfit but she can’t sing for beans. Great looks no
talent. The John Edwards of this years Idol.

*Maddie* – This teenager does not belong. She is singing sexy songs when
she is still jailbait. Think one of the girls on the plane with Bill
Clinton on the way to a Caribbean vacation.

*Sarina* – Far and away the best performance of the night. She kicked ass
and took names but was humble about it. The Scott Walker of this time round.

*Jax* – Very affected and mannered and in a style that I don’t care for but
they are pimping her big time so she might be around until the final six.
The Marco Rubio chair of affected singing.

*Tyanna* – Great personality with a mediocre voice. She will get a bunch of
votes but fall short. Ted Cruz if he had a purple Mohawk.

This was American Idol. Seacrest out! (Or at least everyone knows he is a
sword swallower so it is basically the same thing.)