Friday, November 8, 2013

Rookie Hazing

I knew it would happen.

Since I'm the rookie on Lem's plantation, I've been told to review all the purchases made through the Amazon Portal last month and issue gracious and fulsome words of appreciation for your providing Lem with Cheetos money thoughtfulness.  I'd better hop to it before the Lemster goes all Incognito on me.

*Opens and reviews list of purchases provided by Amazon*

It's probably best to do this without naming the guilty mentioning the names of the people who you'd never imagine would buy this stuff were careful Amazon shoppers in order to keep shit quiet protect their anonymity.

Hitachi Magic Wand and Attachments.  Several buyers.  One of them female

Vino Italiano Wine Making Kit.  Two buyers, both in Wisconsin

Doc Johnson Butt Plug For Men.  One buyer, eastern state

Haribo Sugarless Gummi Bears.  Many buyers, some also ordered item Christmas gift wrapped

Geiger Counter.  One buyer, California

Canned Unicorn Meat.  One buyer, Lake Country

Porcelain Gay Wedding Cake Toppers.  One buyer, California

Thomas Kinkade Painting.  Delivered to an Art Department at an east coast university

Deepak Chopra book.  One buyer, Utah

Bitter is The New Black.  One buyer, Madison

My Third Husband Will Be A Dog.  One buyer, Madison

Rubber Bulldozer Track.  One buyer, rural Wisconsin

Kenworth Stering Wheel With Skulls.  One buyer.  Picked up at warehouse

Pacemaker Synchronization Guide.  One buyer, New York

Dagobert Wooden Toilet Throne. One buyer, last name is "Archy"

Boobs, An American Obsession.  Multiple buyers.

Lem asked me to say thanks for the spare lunch and porn money your taking time to order things through the portal on his blog.  So, thanks very much!

31 comments:

Eric the Fruit Bat said...

I can understand that some people think the butt plug makes me a homo but I've been eating more fiber lately and I think of it as a wise precaution.

edutcher said...

Michael, you're Meade here?

bagoh20 said...

I thought Unicorn Meat was more popular than just the one in the Lake country. but the rest are probably still trying to swallow what they already bought and having a little difficulty after overindulging so long.

bagoh20 said...

The reviews over there for Eric's butt plug are pretty funny. How many people do you meet during the day who are sporting one of those?

Michael Haz said...

Michael, you're Meade here?

Negatoray.

Icepick said...

How many people do you meet during the day who are sporting one of those?

This is another one of those questions I hope no one ever answers. It's not so much preferring the mystery so much as it is wanting to forget the question in the first place.

Calypso Facto said...

Haha, well played.

Titus said...

Very funny...but I am a top, nothing goes in my ass-unless you were referring to Palladian.

Lem the artificially intelligent said...

Looking at that list i see posting opportunities.

deborah said...

lol Wish I could think of some. Gimme some time.

bagoh20 said...

The one that I assume relates to me was the last one I figured out.

bagoh20 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bagoh20 said...

"How many people do you meet during the day who are sporting one of those?"

It's the ones with the weak handshake. A person can only do so much clenching at any given time.

And people, please, let's agree that the LEFT hand should be used to .... "adjust" those things.

Icepick said...

I just got the Geiger Counter bit.

Icepick said...

And I'm surprised rh didn't buy any scything equipment.

Unknown said...

I thought unicorn meat was illegal?

Extracting unicorn farts for MSNBC's koolaid is legal. but the meat? hmmm.

Trooper York said...

That purchase was a rip off. I mean all they sent me was a universal remote. How the hell am I going to synchronize my pacemaker when I can't figure out the freaking DVR.

Michael Haz said...

The remote was for Lisa. For emergencies.

The Dude said...

Does that remote have a mute button?

Darcy said...

I was just doing some research!!

Really.

chickelit said...

Bags is the cake topper and I'm radioactive, thank you very much.

Evi L. Bloggerlady said...

You are a funny funny guy Michael Haz!

bagoh20 said...

That's how I see it Chickie, and I'm not sure which is more dangerous for a straight guy - a gay wedding or radioactivity. Either way there is a risk of irreversible damage.

Icepick said...

Come on, fellas, you're losing your heads! No, the Geiger counter is for DBQ and her Doom-stead.

Icepick said...

She probably ordered it along with a few thousand more rounds of .22 LR ammo.

chickelit said...

Icepick said...
Come on, fellas, you're losing your heads! No, the Geiger counter is for DBQ and her Doom-stead.

Could be. Not certain though.

Icepick said...

If it was you he would have mentioned Erlenmeyer flasks, or perhaps methylamine. But a Geiger Counter is perfect for the self-sufficient Doom-steader. Once communication networks break down, you've got to be able to do your own testing for radiological contamination. A Geiger counter is a reasonable place to start. I bet DBQ already owns one!

Icepick said...

I mean, I'm sure you can get Methylamine on Amazon, right? Right?!

bagoh20 said...

Chickie's a Meth head? He's like a real life Breaking Bad or a "Deflecting Suboptimal" as it's known among the intelligentsia.

chickelit said...

Chickie's a Meth head?

I don't even watch the show. It's all in Icepick's head.

deborah said...

I was thinking geiger counter for Fukushima ocean water.