Saturday, August 31, 2013

"In a French-ass restaurant/Hurry up with my damn croissants."

UPDATED: The letter penned to West was a parody, written by W. David Marx.

Regarding Croissants in "I am a God"
Association of French Bakers
900 Rue Vielle du Temple
Paris FRANCE
To Monsieur Kanye West:
Congratulations on the birth of your daughter, Nord! This is a truly auspicious time for you — and so it is with great sadness that we must lodge a formal complaint against the song "I am a God" from your new album Yeezus.

Our organization represents bakers across France, many of whom have taken great offense at this particular rhyming couplet:

In a French-ass restaurant
Hurry up with my damn croissants

Assuming you, as a man of means, dine exclusively at high-end restaurants and boulangeries during your voyages to Paris, it could not be possible that the delay of your "damn" croissants originated from slow service. And certainly, you are not a man to be satisfied with pre-made croissants from the baked goods case reheated and tossed out on a small platter. No — you had demanded your croissants freshly baked, to be delivered to your table straight out of the oven piping hot.

And it was with great joy you ordered croissants  — not crêpes or brioches — because only croissants can proudly claim that exquisite combination of flaky crust and a succulent center. The croissant is dignified — not vulgar like a piece of toast, simply popped into a mechanical device to be browned. No — the croissant is born of tender care and craftsmanship. Bakers must carefully layer the dough, paint on perfect proportions of butter, and then roll and fold this trembling croissant embryo with the precision of a Japanese origami master.

This process, as you can understand, takes much time. And we implore the patience of all those who order croissants. You may be familiar with the famous French expression, "A great croissant is worth waiting a lifetime for." We know you are a busy man, M. West, but we believe that your patience for croissants will always be rewarded.

We could easily let this water pass under the bridge, as they say, but we take your lyrics very seriously. From the other lines in the song, we have come to understand that you may in fact be a "God." Yet if this were the case — and we, of course, take you at your word — we wonder why you do not more frequently employ your omnipotence to change time and space to better suit your own personal whims. For us mere mortals, we must wait the time required for the croissant to come to perfect fruition, but as a deity, you can surely alter the bread's molecular structure faster than the speed of light, no? And with your omniscience, perhaps you have something to teach us about the perfect croissant. We await your guidance and insights.

We appreciate your continued patronage of French culture. (Your frequent references to menage perhaps speak an interest in the structure of the French household?) We hope from the deepest recesses of our hearts, however, that in the future you give croissants the time they need to fully mature before you partake. With that, we say, adieu. And our member Louis Malpass from Le Havre wants you to know that he loves "Black Skinhead."

Salutations cordiales

Bernard Aydelotte
Association of French Bakers


"The letter addressed to West was actually written as a parody by writer W. David Marx and posted to Medium.com on Aug. 13. The Association of French Bakers does not exist."


Kanye West - I am a god (Yeezus)

10 comments:

ndspinelli said...

I prefer a brioche. Merci beaucoup.

Phil 314 said...

Another lesson in french culinary service

Aridog said...

I don't want to sound all hoity toity, but my idea of fine French dining is the Croissan'wich by Burger King, usually on my way through some airport in the morning. It is devine. :-)

Chip Ahoy said...

I was like'n it, but then lost me at the swears n's and f's that came up so fast so unnecessarily and so staccato. Not that I'm against swears, I'm not, but those particulars are another language I'm not going to energize even by listening. All the way. Bleh. And I'm not having my kids commit those lyrics to memory.

What kids you ask? Hey, it takes a village, those kids. *checks YouTube* [I am god asl] No. They are not. They are learning, I am a Child of God, and I am God says Yahweh. Too much uncomfortable language to have in one's i-Tunes.

Eeeew, I betchya wonder how I knew 'bout the plaaaans to make theses too. With some other video I saw before between the few I saw I love this more.

Yeah baby, I heard it through the YouTubes.

I made those puffy rolls too

The thing is, it's yeast bread with cold butter layers. Which reminds me. I started a sourdough pizza last night and couldn't get to it soon enough so stuck the stretched dough in the freezer. So it's flat dough that's ready to be topped and baked. Breakfast!

ndspinelli said...

Aridog, As long as you have a look of arrogance on your face, light in the loafers, and a pinky up, you're cool.

Eric the Fruit Bat said...

(1) Funny stuff from Mr. Marx. Thank you.

(2) Perhaps not a god, but perhaps this man was the Abraham of a nation of letter-writing parodists.

(3) My morning commute through Philadelphia used to have me walking past a French bakery at about 6:00 a.m. A croissant was a luxury I could afford, and gladly. There was never a line and they went out of business pretty quickly, even though they were smack-dab in the middle of Market East Station, which is one of the many reasons why Philadelphia will always be a second-rate city.

ricpic said...

Ya think Frogs wait around in the morning for the perfect croissant? Get real. It's a friggin' roll. They dunk it in their coffee and run out the cafe door to get to le job, just like those uncivilized 'Muricans do.

deborah said...

Too much work.

Joe Biden, America's Putin said...

I LOVE that Croissant video. Thanks for posting it again, Mr. Ahoy.

The Crack Emcee said...

God, these people can pull y'all's legs:

Assuming you, as a man of means, dine exclusively at high-end restaurants and boulangeries during your voyages to Paris, it could not be possible that the delay of your "damn" croissants originated from slow service.

Give me a break - it's fucking France:

Having to serve an American, alone, can result in a long wait time - much less a rich one.

And, whatever you do, don't ask them for fucking ice,...